I Tried Patrick Bateman’s Morning Skincare Routine

While I’m far from donning a clear plastic rain jacket and…uh, playing some Huey Lewis and the News, I did feel like this skincare routine taught me what it takes to reach this very specific pastiche of yuppie perfection status. If Bateman was right about anything, it’s that it’s hard work to look good, and I have the products and experience to prove it. I spent a week performing Bateman’s skincare routine on my own impeccable visage over and over, and frankly, I look fantastic. Here’s what you need to be #influenced by a true American psycho.

Plastic eye ice pack

I’m already a huge ice roller fan to get rid of facial puffiness, so even outside of Patrick Bateman’s influence, I’ve been wanting to give one of these eye ice packs a go. This one uses gel beads to retain a frosty temperature that works best when applied for 20 minutes. I really did notice my eyes look more alive and well (especially after running on just five hours of sleep). To get in full-blown American Psycho mode, do 1,000 crunches while it’s strapped to your face. You can’t waste any precious time when it comes to getting washboard abs.

L’AUTRE PEAU

Gel Bead Eye Masks

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$14.99$11.99 at Amazon

Deep pore cleanser lotion

Behind every glowing complexion is a deep pore facial cleanser. I mean, Christian Bale may be playing a serial killer, but he does have great skin. I added Kiehl’s Rare Earth Deep Pore Daily Cleanser to my regimen. I’m already a simp for the brand’s accompanying mask, so the cleanser obviously didn’t disappoint. It combines oat kernel meal (a natural exfoliant and oil absorber), Amazonian white clay, and aloe to combat shine and minimize the look of pores. Pores are for losers.

Kiehl’s

Rare Earth Deep Pore Daily Cleanser

Peeling facial mask 

The best—or, at least, the most satisfying—part of the iconic skincare scene is when Bateman starts peeling the “herb-mint facial mask” to unleash his beauty. Watching him peel it away was somewhat haunting, but also mesmerizing. I opted for this cucumber variation by Freeman to achieve the ultimate peel since I already knew what it was capable of. This gel mask is cooling, hydrating, moisturizing, and gentle enough for everyday use to rid your pores of impurities; the only thing that makes it un-Bateman-worthy is how affordable it is. 

Freeman

Renewing Cucumber Peel-Off Gel Facial Mask

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$4.29$3.81 at Amazon

Water-activated gel cleanser 

L’Occitane’s shower gel is a brand best-seller for a reason. Patrick Bateman lathers it all over his thousand-crunches-toned body. It has a subtle lavender scent with notes of pepper, nutmeg, and burnt wood. I can confirm that I, in fact, reeked of old money after using this. As an added bonus, my skin now feels as soft as a Valentino couture suit baby.

L’Occitane

L’Occitan Shower Gel

Almond milk body scrub 

Sloughing off dead skin cells unleashes super-smooth skin, which is an even bigger flex than a strong business card font. I love drinking almond milk, and now, I love slathering it all over my body in the form of a scrub, too. This scrub by The Body Shop is made with almond milk from Spain (fancy!) and sesame oil from Nicaragua to gently buff your body canvas for epic softness. I’m now incredibly smooth (but, of course, still not as smooth as Mr. Bateman). 

The Body Shop

Almond Milk Body Scrub

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$24 at The Body Shop

Exfoliating gel scrub

Now for the face. Giving your face yet another good ol’ scrubbing is extremely important for a bright complexion. This gentle gel from Avene is formulated with niacinamide, zinc, jojoba wax beads, and thermal spring water to refine skin texture to be a glowing god, American Psycho-style. 

Avène

Gentle Exfoliating Gel

“Emollient lotion” (moisturizer) 

No skincare routine is complete without a great facial moisturizer. My favorite is The Mineral Sunscreen by Necessaire with SPF 30. My favorite skincare ingredient, niacinamide,  is also featured in it, which combats acne and improves skin texture. I’ve actually been using this particular sunscreen for six months and it is one of my holy grails. Patrick Bateman doesn’t have a wrinkle in sight, so clearly, he understands that SPF is essential!

Nécessaire

The Mineral Sunscreen SPF 30

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$45 at Amazon

Anti-aging eye balm (eye cream) 

There is no room in our incredibly impressive lives for drab, dark under-eye circles. Origins’ Ginzing Vitamin C Eye Cream makes me look alive and well while running on zero sleep (less from murdering, more from existential dread). That’s how I know it’s good. It visibly depuffs the eye area, which makes it perfect to apply right after the eye gel mask. 

Origins

Ginzing™ Vitamin C Eye Cream to Brighten and Depuff

Now excuse me, I have to return some video tapes. 

The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.